Susan Hyatt (00:00):
Is there something you wish you had the nerve to do? Welcome to, you've Got Nerve, the podcast that teaches you how to conquer your fears, upgrade your mindset, and get up the nerve to go after whatever you want. If you wish you had the guts to go all in on your goals, dreams, and desires, this show is for you. I'm master certified life coach Susan Hyatt, and I am so excited for you to join me on this journey. Oh, hi. You've got nerves. Guess what? This episode today has me sweating in the best way possible. I have with me today Melinda Lee Schmidt. She's an empowerment coach. She's also a bear certified coach. And when I tell you I took so many notes and I'm so pumped up about what we're all going to hear on this episode. So listen, Melinda Lee, she is part of my Yes community, and I mentioned she's one of my bear certified coaches and she's a breath of fresh air and she let me in on the fact that she did a year of hugs challenge for herself, which that alone intrigued me a whole year of hugs.

(01:18):
Wait till you hear about this. And then she did a cross country hug journey. Wait till you hear about that part. And then I am proud of her and bragged about her and my newsletter and on social media about the fact that she just completed her memoir. All of these things are wildly interesting, but you're not going to believe what I learned from the episode that where it took such a beautiful turn. Buckle in, get your journal and a pen, and if you don't have one with you right now, make sure that you text yourself some notes because I was not expecting her hugs journey to challenge my introversion and also to challenge how I deal with this being an election year. So if any of you are feeling fatigue of the combative nature of social media right now, you're going to love this episode. So let's get to it.

Susan Hyatt (02:24):
Welcome to, you've Got Nerve Melinda. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here, Susan. Okay. I am excited about this topic because we're obviously talking about authenticity and you have had to get up the nerve to be authentically you to do a couple of really big things. So tell me about this Hugs across the country thing you did. This is so intriguing to me. So it actually began in 2011

Melinda Lee Shmitt (02:58):
With my year of hugs and authentically, I am a hugger. I love to love on people and I love to make people smile and feel better about themselves. So when I received this download for this idea, I almost got the nerve that made me get a little sick to my stomach. What the download said was, you're going to go out and every single day you're going to hug everybody that you encounter, and that's going to be your way of spreading love in your little corner of the world. And so I did just that for 300 a

Susan Hyatt (03:47):
Minute. Wait, Misty, wait a minute. Okay, so I'm picturing the three hug sign. You're standing on a corner with the free hugs, which I have done. It is also not easy, and you just did that in multiple locations over the course of a year, but your challenge to yourself, your guidance was no, you're going to hug everyone you encounter, which is really different.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (04:15):
Yes, it's very different because the other piece of it was that it was really important to me not to share what I was doing. It was literally just that very intimate connecting moment of I see you. I appreciate you being here in my life in this moment, and I would like to give you a hug for that. So

Susan Hyatt (04:40):
Did you ask

Melinda Lee Shmitt (04:41):
People? I did give you

Susan Hyatt (04:42):
A hug. Okay, so you asked because my mind went next as people being get off the gate,

Melinda Lee Shmitt (04:50):
Right? No, it was really important to me to always ask for the hug first and accept the nose, which out of well over a thousand hugs, I only got five nos or less than

Susan Hyatt (05:02):
Really?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (05:03):
Yes,

Susan Hyatt (05:04):
Only five people said no.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (05:07):
Yes, and it was just in my everyday life. It's not like I went out specifically seeking this, it was just kind of when I'm at the grocery store, the person that was checking me out or the bagger, I was just hugging everybody that just happened to be there.

Susan Hyatt (05:27):
So you're in line at the post office and you hug somebody in line or of all the thousand hugs you gave, what was one of the top scariest requests for a hug that you made?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (05:50):
So one of my favorite stories was just maybe two weeks into starting this and I had gone to the waste disposal site. I was dumping my own garbage. We didn't have the trucks come to our house. And this big burly motorcycle kind of man with a big huge beard, he's got this fat cigar hanging out of his mouth and he's sitting there at the edge of where you're dumping your trash. And I was like, holy shit, I can't go do that. I can't do that. Excuse the language

Susan Hyatt (06:29):
That

Melinda Lee Shmitt (06:29):
Susan

Susan Hyatt (06:31):
Podcast,

Melinda Lee Shmitt (06:34):
But I was so nervous, like I can't do that. And then the same kind of download that I had gotten was, but their whole point of you being out here is not for judgment, it's for spreading love. And so I had to kind of get up the nerve to go ask this big leather vest looking man. And after I asked him, he got the biggest smile spread across his face. He pulls the cigar out of his mouth and he just wraps his arms around me in the biggest bear hug and lifts me off the ground. And he was just like, oh my gosh, yes, of course I'll give you a hug. And he was just really appreciative and I never looked back from that moment on questioning if I should hug somebody.

Susan Hyatt (07:35):
Well, I think it's interesting because it's like drop the judge, you said, drop the judgment and spread love. And so that's such a, I mean, I can picture this guy, I mean, I see this guy a lot where I live and at the lake, et cetera, and I actually am not surprised that that type of guy was giving you a big bear hug. Was there anyone that surprised you that was hesitant or said No? What of the nos, did something shock you that someone said no?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (08:12):
Yeah, there was this woman that when I had pulled into a gas station, I had asked her for a hug and she said, no, I didn't remember that. And so I'm at the gas station this other time, and apparently I asked her again and she was just like, no, you've already asked me no. And she was just so disgusted by, I don't know if it was just me not remembering or just by the fact that I was out here doing this and asking for hugs or what, but I was kind of surprised because again, the judgment, she looked friendly, she had a nice friendly face, and a lot of times when people are not receptive to it, they kind of have a closed off energy and she didn't have that. So it definitely kind of rattled me a little bit. I'm like, okay.

Susan Hyatt (09:14):
It's interesting the judgments we have about who would be a hugger and who wouldn't be. And I do know there are some people who, I mean I have some friends who will hug you, but they're not huggers. They're like, oh, here we go with, she's going to make me hug her and blah, blah, blah. Right? And so it's interesting though, the act of asking for a hug and receiving hug and not explaining, the part that is so intriguing to me is you're not explaining to them, this is my year of hugs and I'm spreading love. Can I give you hug?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (09:57):
I'm just being that crazy person. And I felt like it was really important because it felt more pure that way. It felt like there was no, I could let them leave without the expectation or assumption that it was done because I was being performative. So yes, it was performative, but it wasn't wholly performative. It was to spread the love and to have them walk away thinking that they mattered. And that was the more important thing to me was that they walked away feeling like they mattered.

Susan Hyatt (10:41):
I think that's so important because there's a story that I shared in our ES group recently about, and maybe I shared it publicly about a gentleman that he stopped me to say that I was the only person in any given day that he would speak to, that I was always in the morning like, hi, how are you? And in the beginning of saying good morning to him on my run, he would just look down. He wouldn't respond. And every morning I just continued to say good morning, just because, I don't know, I just felt compelled to be good morning and whether he responded or not. And eventually he started saying Good morning back, and eventually he started making eye contact. And then after that he made eye contact and smiled when he did it. And then, I mean, years went by and he stopped me to thank me and say that I'm the only person that looks him in the face and says, hi, good morning. And it's different than the hug thing, but it's also, I don't think we realize how much human beings require connection and community and just the power of hello, the power of and embrace can change someone's day, their life.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (12:08):
Yeah, I wouldn't say that it's all that different because it's exactly that. It's that connection and the times, there were definitely times when I had similar moments where I would ask for the hug and it was clear even after they said yes, that they didn't really want it. They were doing it to be polite. And I am super sensitive to that being recovering perfectionist and all and people pleaser. And so I would do everything within me to drop any kind of judgment or expectations or anything and just bring my energy into the most grounded state possible in that hug. And I would lean in to make it as authentic as possible so that they could feel that authenticity. And more often than not, I would walk away watching their shoulders drop and watching their whole body just kind of drop. And it always left me in tears every single time. It was just so moving.

Susan Hyatt (13:09):
And so the transference of what you learned from that experience into other things that you had to get the nerve up about, now I've bragged about you publicly in my newsletter on Facebook, I'm like, listen, this lady, you finished your memoir?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (13:33):
I did. I did. I had started it quite a few years ago, and that's actually what led to my second hug journey, which is my cross country journey because I wanted to lean into more of the connection piece as opposed to the hug piece. And so I stayed at people's homes all across the country. I did that trip in a month, and that experience was incredible, and I learned so much between both of those journeys that I knew that I wanted to write about it.

Susan Hyatt (14:05):
Okay. Wait a minute. Wait a damn minute. Yes. So I'm jumping ahead too fast. So this cross country journey, what is this? Tell me about this part.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (14:15):
So I got another download that was basically like, you need to take this hug journey and you need to make it bigger.

(14:25):
And it was basically like, I bet that you know enough people who know enough people that would be willing to host you in their city across the country. And it's almost like it. I was using the platform of social media for good to see just how connected we are and how connected we can be and how much trust we have in each other to show up for each other. So within a matter of a month, I had arranged maybe 60% of the evenings that would take me out. I went all the way up to Vancouver, I'm starting in Atlanta, Georgia, went all the way up to Vancouver and then back down and completed the journey in Raleigh, North Carolina. And my whole point was to build global connection, one hug at a time. So the people that hosted me in their city, I asked them for a place to sleep for a meal to share, and good conversation. And my goal behind all of those pieces was because when we are eating, we're automatically taken out of fight or flight, and we drop all of our defenses because if we have the capacity for eating together, then we know our body knows it's in a safe space. So that felt really important so that we could drop into a safe space together and connect with one another on a deeper level, especially because we didn't know each other, many of us.

Susan Hyatt (16:07):
Okay, wait, okay. Are you an extrovert?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (16:11):
I am not.

Susan Hyatt (16:12):
Okay. This is astounding to me. So I am an outgoing introvert and I'm sitting there like, okay, I might be all right with this cross country staying in other people's places, but oh no, now you're having a meal with them and talking

Melinda Lee Shmitt (16:34):
Meal and talking.

Susan Hyatt (16:36):
I mean, I do so much talking for a living, but I go into hermit mode on my own time. So this is wild. Okay. What year did you do this?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (16:48):
2019. It was literally months before covid

Susan Hyatt (16:52):
Months. Oh my god. Okay, so wow. So you got this in the nick of time, and so would you learn on this? What was your big takeaway? There

Melinda Lee Shmitt (17:11):
Was so many takeaways. One being exactly what you were just saying because I was nervous about my introvert, introverted and the amount of energy that I would have to do this. But what I found was the drive between one city to the next was enough to recharge because that was my time and my space, and I was alone during that time. So that was enough to charge me again for the next night. What I really leaned into the most was the beautiful expression of different relationships and the different connections that everybody has and just how much greater they can be than what we might have in our own little corner of the world, because we have a tendency to be in what we know. And so to be out there, I was observing all of these different relationships that were so different than the ones that I knew and some qualities that maybe I wouldn't want, but so many more that were examples of more of what I wanted in my life, and that was just incredible.

Susan Hyatt (18:30):
That's interesting that you bring that up because here we are at an election time again, and so much of what I'm observing online on social media that's combative is just a lack of awareness of how much exists beyond our bubbles and what is happening all around the world that might be really different than what you're experiencing in your home, in your community and your church. And what an amazing thing for you to go. What an act of vulnerability and what nerve to go across the country stay with some people that maybe you didn't know very well. Now that, can I

Melinda Lee Shmitt (19:21):
Just say a little something about the climate that we're getting into? The political climate that we're in? We were in another climate where Trump was in office and there were families being ripped from their apart at the borders, these same borders that I was driving through at the time. So in those communities, there was a lot of feeling around that. And I ended up at dinner and in conversation with somebody who had a viewpoint that was so different from mine. And the thing that I just feel like I want to express is that when we're, so to be in conversation with her caused me to go into nervous system dysregulation because the things that she had to say were so different from anything that I believed for myself that all I wanted to do was run from her, was to yell at her, was to argue with her, was to go into exactly these situations that we're seeing online in these right, in social media.

(20:43):
And instead, I used all of the tools for breathing and grounding myself and let her speak so that she could feel valued for the opinions that she had because the opinions that she had didn't really have anything to do with me and had everything to do with her and her experiences, and she just wanted to be seen and heard and valued in doing that. Eventually that conversation ended and our next conversation moved on to our dogs, and once again, we were back in connection. So we had that moment of disconnection, but a moment of disconnection does not mean that we cannot have connection with that person.

Susan Hyatt (21:29):
Wow, that's really powerful. And I think that you're right. What I tend to do, I was like on my run this morning, you've grown, Susan. What I used to do was fight. And so now what I do is just promote what I am about instead of railing against what I think is ignorant. But I cannot say that I'm necessarily, if I were sitting at a meal that I would, the point that you're making right now is something that I'm really going to be thinking about because I think maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit, but I think I would just withdraw and be like, okay, you're not for me and not connect.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (22:36):
And I think that there's moments for that, right? There's definitely moments where that's appropriate. And I also think that there's moments that we can lean into the very, very, very vulnerable space of saying, what can I learn here? How can I connect here? And that was the thought that was going through my mind. How can I connect here? So

Susan Hyatt (23:03):
That question, that's the difference.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (23:07):
I

Susan Hyatt (23:07):
Don't think any of us are saying, how can I connect here? We are trying to formulate our argument to prove the other person wrong,

Melinda Lee Shmitt (23:16):
And it was incredibly powerful, not because I changed her mind and not because she changed mine, but we stayed connected.

Susan Hyatt (23:25):
Wow. Wow. Okay. Wow, wow. Okay. So are you trying to tell me that my lake doc neighbors that have up banners that I don't like that I should stop plotting, tearing them down in the middle of the night?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (23:44):
I am not that because all of it is valid and all of it is necessary,

Susan Hyatt (23:50):
Right? It's all valid. Too bad. Everybody has cameras up. Listen, I probably would've already done it if I didn't know. Everyone has those doorbell cameras slips, so it's like they would see Susan Hyatt setting fire to their paraphernalia. It's actually not on my peer, just to be clear. It's the peer over. So everybody listen, all y'all late neighbors listening, I'm not talking about you. Okay. Now, everything that you learned from your year of hugs and then your cross country year of connection and hugs, how did that help you get up the nerve to write and complete this memoir?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (24:41):
I think the thing that helped to push it forward was the need to get the message out. There was so much connection and love and the greater experience, greater human experience in the message of this book that the political climate that we're in and the disconnected climate that we're in, it just feels so important to share. So that was the greatest push for helping me get the nerve to want to write it in the first place. The writing of it led me into a lot of authenticity for myself that I hadn't tapped into before. So I had to wade through a lot. Writing a book is a lot.

Susan Hyatt (25:42):
Say that again. Writing

Melinda Lee Shmitt (25:44):
A book is So I'm starting

Susan Hyatt (25:45):
That process again. I'm like, oh boy, here we go.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (25:50):
It's a lot.

(25:53):
And I actually got to the 0.2 and a half years in where I walked away from it because I had work to do. And so I started seeing a therapist again, and I started doing some of that work. And then once I was feeling comfortable with that work, I just happened to be listening to a Ms. Susan Hyatt, give us a dare and say, I dare you to do the thing. I dare you to complete your book. I dare you to, whatever the thing was. And I knew mine was my book. And so I got up the nerve to commit to four hours a day, five days a week, and which

Susan Hyatt (26:37):
Is a lot, by the way. Which

Melinda Lee Shmitt (26:39):
Is a lot. Which is

Susan Hyatt (26:41):
A lot. That's when I saw that, I was like, holy shit. Because let me tell you something. Anyway, go ahead. I got

Melinda Lee Shmitt (26:49):
Up the nerve to commit to a lot, and that meant that I was walking away from all of the work that I had been doing in my business just to focus on the book. But I felt it was time and it was clear that it was time because I had the book written in less than a Month.

Susan Hyatt (27:09):
I mean, hello,

Melinda Lee Shmitt (27:10):
Hello?

Susan Hyatt (27:16):
I forgot that it was sort in response to the I Dare You Challenge, which now I'm going to bring everybody every day. So what can you tell us about your memoir and what you're most proud of about it?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (27:35):
What I'm most proud of is that I refuse to give up. And even though there were so many times that I really wanted to, I mean, I was in tears with my book coach on a regular basis. It was just so hard. And so I'm really proud of myself for not giving up, and I'm really proud of myself for not letting myself let it be less than what I knew it could be. I knew what I had to give, and I knew that the message that I had to share, and I could have easily just rested on my laurels of what was easy to share, but that wasn't the message that the book wanted to be, and so I didn't give up on working towards finding that voice and finding that message.

Susan Hyatt (28:33):
And so what's the big message of the book?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (28:40):
The big message of the book is it's really about unconditional love. It's about me stepping into a space where I could share unconditional love with others only to discover what I really needed was that unconditional love for myself.

Susan Hyatt (29:00):
Oh my God, why are you going to make me cry? When I did my makeup so nice, I lost Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, well, okay. When can people buy this book? What's the next step?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (29:16):
The next steps are my audit, my audits, my edits. My goal is to step into at least two hours a day, the five days a week of editing.

Susan Hyatt (29:31):
Oh my God, you're bringing it all back. And I just put my table of contents.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (29:38):
You can do it, Susan. You can. And my goal, my lofty goal is to have it out for Christmas this year. I am self-publishing, but ultimately I would, no matter what, like to have it out by spring of next year.

Susan Hyatt (29:57):
Okay, excellent. Well, we will absolutely be supporting the promotion of this memoir. Thank you. How can people follow you on this journey, this book journey?

Melinda Lee Shmitt (30:12):
So they can go to my website, which is Melinda Lee, LEE, Schmidt, SCHI tt.com, and in there I offer an Ember to blaze, a free Ember to Blaze journal page if you sign up to my newsletter. And my newsletter is full of juicy goodness, including a link to my substack that has constant updates about my memoir.

Susan Hyatt (30:41):
Wow. Well, I am really excited. Okay, so I dare you, Melinda Lee, to have it ready for Christmas gift purchases. I do.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (30:54):
I have the chills all over and they're like, I want to throw up feeling great. Perfect,

Susan Hyatt (31:00):
Perfect,

Melinda Lee Shmitt (31:01):
Perfect.

Susan Hyatt (31:02):
Scared, excited. Well, you can dare me back. I'm supposed to have my book proposal ready for my agent by August 30th.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (31:13):
I mean, you've got that.

Susan Hyatt (31:16):
Lemme tell you how these book proposals are like 150 pages. They're

Melinda Lee Shmitt (31:21):
A book in and of themselves,

Susan Hyatt (31:24):
And I'm just kind of like, you know what? Done? You know what I'm, I'm just going to say yes. So yes, I'll be in the same pool at the beginning. You're at the end, so you're finishing your laps and I'm just getting my swim cap on

Melinda Lee Shmitt (31:45):
To be

Susan Hyatt (31:45):
Olympic themed doing

Melinda Lee Shmitt (31:48):
It together. Perfect.

Susan Hyatt (31:49):
We are doing it together. Well, I so appreciate you. Thank you for sharing the story. I took so many notes. I've gotten so much out of this. There are some people I might go unblock after this conversation.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (32:06):
I mean, you don't have to do that since then. Blocked people. So it's both and

Susan Hyatt (32:13):
It's both and. Okay, I'll think about it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was so wonderful.

Melinda Lee Shmitt (32:21):
Thank you. It was. I appreciate you.

Susan Hyatt (32:28):
Okay. Was that not an amazing episode? I told you. I told you. I mean, I am just blown away by her building a global connection, one hug at a time. I'm so blown away by the message of her memoir. I am so blown away by just her asking the question, how can I connect here? How can I connect here? I think we can take that into our day, our week, and really think about when we're challenged, how can I connect here? And that could be how can I connect with myself if the other person is not open to connection? Now, I am thrilled to say that the University for Life Coach training is open for enrollment. If you are listening to this, you've missed a free info call that I hosted yesterday. Maybe you were there. I did a free info call called Should I Be a Life Coach? And I also addressed, if you're a seasoned coach, why this training might be for you. If you want to watch the replay, we're going to put the link for you in the show notes. And if you want to go to the university for life coach training.com, you can get all the details about our next training that starts August 20th. I'm so pumped about it because guess what? We need more coaches, just like Melinda Lee Schmidt out in the world spreading connection. Is that you let me know.